Let me start off by saying that I am not a doctor, nor am I qualified in any way to give medical advice or diagnosis regarding ANYTHING. If you feel like the following blog speaks to you and or something that you have been living with, talk to a doctor. Let them know what you are going through, help them understand that this is a real thing for you even if they don’t understand it.
Misophonia, according to Webmd.com is
Misophonia is a disorder in which certain sounds trigger emotional or physiological responses that some might perceive as unreasonable given the circumstance. Those who have misophonia might describe it as when a sound “drives you crazy.” Their reactions can range from anger and annoyance to panic and the need to flee. The disorder is sometimes called selective sound sensitivity syndrome.
This is exactly what it is, except, it is so much more. Misophonia.com states
Does hearing someone chew with their mouth open cause you to become angry? What about gum chewing, eating noises, or repetitive tapping and crinkling? Do you have a strong negative reaction to some sounds that goes beyond mere annoyance? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be experiencing misophonia.
When you experience a misophonia trigger sound, does it seem like other people don’t even notice the noises that strongly affect you?
If so, you’re not alone! Many people also have problems with specific sounds, and this condition has a name. It’s called misophonia.
The hard part about having living with this experience is that there is no real cause for it and thereby there is not a way to treat it. It can be very hard to describe to others what you are going through and it can feel random. The way that the symptoms feel is also not consistent. There are times when a noise will make you feel like you need to move and other times the urge for physical violence will be immense. Sometimes being able to play music will help and other times holding your head under water is really the only reprieve.
So, with such variability with how it feels and what helps and what sets you off, how on Earth do you raise kids when you experience this? I have one word for it; PATIENCE. When I say that, it is not only for your children and others in your life but for you as well.
Let me share a few experiences that I have had with misophonia and how it has affected me at home with my children.
TRIGGER WARNING: THE FOLLOWING COULD BE TRIGGERING TO INDIVIDUALS WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED MISOPHONIA.
*While I was at home, I was sitting on the couch reading a book and my 7-year-old came into the room with a small container of Pringles. Immediately I ask him to go to the other side of the room. He goes to the other side of the room, probably about 30-40 feet away from me and slowly opens the container of chips. He begins to eat them, one at a time in the way that is very normal for children, mouth open so that he can hear the crunch as loud as possible. To me, the first feeling that was experienced was a tightness in my skin, similar to the feelings that I get when cutting Styrofoam or cardboard. I glance up at him slightly and do not say anything but he sees me look so he tries to help and he slows down even more. At this point, my heart changes its pace and the thumping starts visibly moving my chest. I am no longer reading the book and I am trying to talk myself out of this flight-or-fight sensation that I am feeling. I ask him to please stop chewing so loudly and he does for two chips. He starts again and I feel my body tense and I am suddenly irrationally angry. My thoughts are all about the noise, where it is coming from, what it is, the need for it to stop. I put my book down and put my fingers in my ears to try and make it quiet, I close my eyes and lower my head to try and limit sensation intake. I can still hear the chip chewing and I can no longer help it, I yell. I get aggressively loud and stand up. I threaten to ban chips and never allow eating near me again. My heart is going so fast I now appear to have been doing a cardio workout. My son puts the chips down and waits for me to leave the room because this is not the first time this has happened. I do leave the room. I go and I sit in a room that is quiet, with the light off and stay there until my body and mind come back to baseline.
* I am at the movies and I am attempting to watch a movie (I can’t remember which). I pick seats that are not near anyone and put mine and my husband’s jackets on the seats around us as a way to let people know not to sit there. (It was not a busy theatre nor was it a new movie, this is fine). Right as the movie starts, three younger people sit in the seats next to the jacket to my right; this means they are two chairs away from me. Movie starts, the people open their candy in what seems to be the LOUDEST possible way they could. 5 minutes into the movie, they start to eat their popcorn. They put one piece in their mouth at a time and crunch the popcorn piece in between their teeth audibly before closing their mouth each time. After what felt like 5 minutes (it was closer to 15 seconds), I start staring at them as they eat to let them know they are eating too loudly. That doesn’t work so I put my finger in my ear that is closest to them; that doesn’t work. I start making throat clearing noises, that doesn’t work. My body feels like it is in fight-or-flight. I am no longer watching the movie at all. I have no idea what is going on. Finally, I get up and move to the other side of my husband and take his popcorn. He is aware of what is happening and lets me deal with it. I finally have to leave the theatre because the chewing from those people has gotten to the point that I am ready to attack them. I don’t, I leave the theatre and walk down the hall to a space where the other rooms are closed and wait for a few minutes until my heart rate returns to normal.
So, why do I tell you those things? Why put myself into an elevated state just so that I can share with you two very triggering scenarios? Well, I do this so that you can understand that Misophonia is not just a strong dislike of noises, it is a physiological response to the noises that are being heard. And, on top of that, those responses are automatic, just like fight-or-flight.
To “treat” misophonia the person can learn how to regulate their CNS (central nervous System) and calm themselves down. Sometimes anxiety medication can help, sometimes headphones help, sometimes silence is golden, and sometimes white noise is your best friend.
The bottom line is that what works for you one time might not work the next time, so how do you parent when you have this going on? That is tricky. It is doable.
Now, as you read above, I have practice parenting with Misophonia and I still have moments that feel outside of my control. One of the biggest things is that my children know what is going on.
- DON’T HIDE YOUR FEELINGS
When I start to feel those first feelings, I share them. I let my husband and my children know, “Hey, Im starting to have my ear thing happen again. Could you please stop ____”. Doing this allows them to make changes that could help the entire group.
When those feelings continue, because often they do, I will let them know that “I am going to leave the room for a bit so that I do not get upset for you doing very normal things.” I do add this last bit onto it because I don’t want them thinking that what they are doing is wrong. What I am feeling and what I am going through is my thing, not theirs.
In the event that I do get upset, like in the first example, when I am able to come back, I apologize. I admit that I should have acted differently and once again, remind them that it is not their fault. This point of repair is important because it shows them that it is ok to mess up as long as you care enough to try and fix it. I give a hug and rejoin their space when I am able to.
At this point, my son is now 9, he can tell when I am getting agitated by sound. He also knows what foods not to eat near me (pringles and veggie straws are definite No’s). During meal times, we sit with either a show on or music playing in the background so that I do not hear them chewing or swallowing near me. When we go out to eat, we will rarely go to quiet restaurants and we will try to sit where it is loudest so that the talking will drown out the eating. Is it “normal”, yes it is for my family. I am a “normal” person, there is nothing “wrong” with me. And, if you are experiencing this, there is nothing wrong with you either.
We need to remember that the labels and language that we tell ourselves will affect our children and how they see themselves. There is a correlation between the two. When we change the language around ourselves, we change the lens the see themselves in. Its pretty powerful actually.
Living with misophonia is not fun, it is not easy, and there is no way to glorify it. You live with it and when you include those that you love in your struggles, you invite them to share your successes too.
*If you are suffering from Misophonia, I implore you to reach out and find a community. Facebook has a great group where people talk about triggers and what helps versus not helps. There are websites that offer research and support lines as well. You are never alone. Reach out to me on facebook! Talk to people. Help people understand.
Remember, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! YOU DESERVE TO BE COMFORTABLE!
Great post
Thank you!